You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
