WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
