One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize