You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
