Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
