gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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