Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
