Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
