Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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