ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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