i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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