well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
