I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
