I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
