you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize