Ambien. No doubt about it.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
