And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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