I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
