So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
