i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
