she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
