im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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