I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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