and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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