his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
