we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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