I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
