I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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