Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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