I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
