Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Found the puke drawer
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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