ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
