I wish I could teleport
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
