so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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