I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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