dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
