so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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