Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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