I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
