Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i love accidental penises.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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