you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Someone came in the potted fern
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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