omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
