He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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