just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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