I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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