My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
