Church boner. Awkwardddd
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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