I smell stomach acid.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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