I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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