I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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