I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
