Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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