We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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