I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
