Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
