I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize