So drunk its hurt
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize