You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We need a shit load of segways right now
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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