Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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